The tale of the dirty knight and the clean scumbag

A true story from 20 years ago…

Your date is supposed to protect you from harm. When I’m walking and lipreading, I’m not looking at the ground. Or ahead of me. I’m paying attention.

This means that I’m vulnerable to plunging down unmanned manholes. This manhole was unmanned because the man who was supposed to be manning it had sodded off into McDonald’s without leaving his warning sign up.

Thankfully I only dropped seven feet to the first platform, but bashed my elbows, ribs, forehead and shins on the ladder on the way down and was feeling rather delicate in both body and soul.

My date appeared periodically at the surface of the hole, but was laughing too hard to be of use to man or beast.

My hero of the hour was the guy who was working on the manhole, as it happened. He zipped down, helped me out—full of apologies, turns out his little warning triangle had been kicked away to one side—and relocated me on terra firma with a nice warm bomber jacket to wear until the shock wore off.

My date’s laughter made me think of stinging nettles and throwing knives.

Manhole guy punched him quite comprehensively in the face, in a way that made me think of Arthurian Knights and other snoggable men.

Manhole guy then closed up and drove me home.

It was such a shame his other half was called ‘Brian’.

But he restored my faith in nature, that day.

Manhole guy, Matt, if you’re out there, thank you.


4 thoughts on “The tale of the dirty knight and the clean scumbag

  1. Delighted to read that despite his failure to ensure public safety that Manhole guy Matt came good with a fist to the face of the laughing bastard! If his partner’s name hadn’t been Brian I may have suspected that he’d left the Manhole exposed as a ploy to trap innocent young women. Can’t win them all I guess!


    1. Heh, that would be a rather dangerous way to win women, wouldn’t it? Unless he had a thing for girls in plaster casts…

      Nah, it was the gallantry after the accident which made me grin from ear to ear. I wasn’t exactly the most perfumed of souls after plummeting into the depths of the earth, but I suppose if he’s used to working down there, an element of desensitisation must surely apply…


    1. I can promise you that you’re not the first to make this observation 😀 😀

      and I’m not one for violence, but on this particular occasion, I felt hugely gratified. It was such a neat, fast, unexpected wallop, too 🙂


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